Where Does The Time Go?

I do intend to write in here more.  I don’t want to abandon my blog again.  It doesn’t seem like I should be busy but I still feel busy.  If I start messing around on WordPress then a big chunk of the day just disappears.

So some things that I’m working on…

  1. I’m reading a couple of books that I will write about on here.  Yep, there may be actual content in this blog – stay tuned.
  2. I’ve been listening to some of Joe Rogan’s podcasts.  It gives me that bit of manly motivation that I need – as in the people, mostly men, who are on his podcast are very action oriented.  Their accomplishments give me that “I’m not worthy” feeling but in a good kind of way – more of a get off your a&* kind of way.
  3. My mom is coming to visit soon so I need to get my house in mo betta condition.  Cleaning is fun.  Cleaning is fun.   Cleaning is fun.
  4. We’re trying not to eat out so much. I don’t love cooking so I’m trying to figure out easier meals to make.
  5. I started doing my 20 minutes of step exercise in the morning that I used to do.  It hasn’t been tiring me out as much.  It actually seems to be giving me some energy.  I quit drinking coffee and that strangely seems to help the energy levels.  Maybe it’s bad for the thyroid.

I hope everyone is having a great and wonderful day!  🙂

Posted in Blogging, Health, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Snarkiness Sucks and Disapproval is Challenging to Overcome

So since my last post I have been feeling better.  Well, except for a medium-sized breakdown in front of my husband.  He doesn’t seem to understand how much the things he says and does bother me until I have an emotional breakdown in front of him.  Then he starts acting a little nicer.  It’s not that he’s a bad guy, he just grew up in a family in which snarkiness was the norm.  At his family functions insulting banter is thrown about and I guess it’s all in good fun but to me, all the negative feedback just adds up.  Even what seems like harmless joking always contains a kernel of truth about how you really feel about someone.  I really don’t appreciate that stuff.  Watching Family Guy is like torture to me.  Seeing Seth MacFarlane’s smug face – ugh.

I guess that probably means that I’m an uptight be-yotch who just can’t take a joke.  I don’t know.

I’m feeling extra sensitive now because in my soul, in my very being I seem to have absorbed a solid belief that I’m not good enough.  I know much of it comes from my childhood but I also think it’s something that has plagued me in past lives as well.  It is so deeply ingrained into me that the traumas of this life can’t quite explain the depths of it.

And perhaps I’m exaggerating a bit.  If I truly felt that way I would’ve attracted more destructive relationships into my life I suppose.  I’ve been lucky in comparison to others I think that most of the men I’ve been involved with have been pretty kind to me.  I have to give myself credit that I have made a certain degree of progress in this life in regards to confidence and believing in myself.  Although I still have a great deal more progress to make in this regard.

Perhaps the real problem I’m facing now is that I’ve changed since I got married.  My husband perceives these changes as mental illness when really they are me becoming more of who I’m really meant to be.  He likes the old me and I can’t happily go back to being that person.

Where do I go from here?  It’s time to put on my big girl pants and figure it out.

 

 

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Mother Daughter Dilemma: When Will This Phone Call End?

So yesterday I was messing around on my blog, writing a post that I decided not to publish, as is often the case lately, and the phone rings – it’s my mom.  Ugh, I hate talking to my mom.  I feel bad about this but I still hate it.  We have the most dull conversations about the weather and the news and what I ate last night and I’m usually just dying to get off of the phone.  I try to sound engaged.  She usually talks a lot and I agree occasionally and hope she’ll get bored or find something more important to do.  Then she starts gently nagging me about how I should garden and cook more and be a much better domestic wifey – like she was.  AAAGGHHH.  And I hold back my deep desire to hang up or say unkind things.  I feel a little bit of my soul dying.

And everyone loves my mom.  She’s such a hardworking lady and helps a lot of people out and yadda yadda yadda – which makes my negative feelings about her make me feel that much worse about myself and my unkind disposition.

Our conversations are my pretend self interacting with her pretend self in the let’s pretend everything is hunky dory universe and I don’t know.  My patience is wearing thin for it.  Luckily my husband came out and started getting involved in the conversation which turned into a speaker phone event while I made breakfast and cleaned out the cat box.

She’s coming to visit in a few weeks and I guess thinking about that got me into a bad emotional place and yep, you guessed it – bring on the waterworks.

And I guess what bothers me most about my mom is that she seems to see herself as the standard by which everyone else should measure themselves.  Hard work is the end all be all and any who do not happily conform to this standard are somewhat less than worthy of dare I say – love?  And although her busy – ness is somewhat admirable, it also is not always directed at important things.  She doesn’t really take control of the important things in her life and instead worries about gardening and cooking all the time.  She is also a doormat, which is a trait that I could be accused of myself.  Dysfunctional family patterns are awesome.

And it’s not just me, my bipolar aunt who she cares for is extremely resentful of her.  My 12 year old nephew who lives with her has very little patience with her.  My sister and I have discussed what it is about my mom that is so annoying and what we came up with is that being around her is draining and yes, that she expects us to want to be like her.

I get the sense that she feels very underappreciated for all that she does and wonders why people don’t love her the way she deserves to be loved.  She doesn’t realize that she doles out conditional love based upon conforming to her standards and it just creates resentment.  If she could get out of her own way is this regard she would be much happier I think.  But she struggles along and squabbles with my nephew and my aunt a lot and…

Where will it all end?

So I spent the morning being upset and emotionally overwhelmed and hating myself a little bit and you know – the usual drill – and finally got over it – sort of.

This morning I came across some videos about toxic shame and how it runs in families.  So my next task I believe is to deeply explore toxic shame.  I see it in my mom in the form of only being valued for how much physical work she did.  She grew up on a farm with a mother (my grandmother) who seemed less than super kind is how I will describe her.  I’m sure my mom probably felt like she didn’t really matter.  And guess who else feels that way?

Ugh – time to get over this shite already.

Thanks for reading.  🙂

 

 

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Super Clean Diet Woes

So my energy levels are all over the place and this is causing wild mood swings and YAY – that’s always fun.

So I guess I need to have a super clean diet – no processed food, no wheat, no dairy, no anything fun etc.  If I don’t have the energy levels under control no other goals are really going to be accomplished.

But how clean does it have to be?

I went on an elimination diet on the advice of a holistic doctor a few years ago.  That was not easy.  Giving up certain foods wasn’t as difficult as giving up convenience.  But then those feelings of deprivation on every level kick in – it is socially limiting as well as just tedious to prepare healthy food and BLEH.

I need to have other fun things in my life before I commit to a super pure diet.  Trying to cut out all of those fun foods is extra difficult when your life is already in a not-so-happy place.

Strategizing – yes, I need to do that.

I have been good about avoiding dairy and wheat so I can give myself some credit for that.

Eating yummy food is not worth feeling tired all of the time.

Has anyone ever heard of breatharianism?  Yes, that is looking better to me every day.

Everything I eat seems to have some level of toxicity for me, even the healthiest of foods have negative effects on me.  I often have more energy when I don’t eat anything.

I will figure it out.  Yes, I will.

Posted in Diary, Health | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Goals, Progress, and Repetitive Boringness

I like blogging but I’m at a bit of a loss on how to proceed from here.

I mentioned before that I like the idea of progress.  I like to watch those reality shows where people change their lives for the better.

I start blogging in hopes that I can change my life for the better and write about it.  But then I get discouraged and don’t see a lot of progress.  Then I tend to stop blogging.

Time is moving so fast and it seems so easy to just get bogged down in the day to day crap of life and not to make any progress.

So what I keep coming back to is that I want to be some kind of counselor or emotional healer type of person.  And yes I will need to define it better than that.

But then of course, I begin to ask myself “Who are you to take on such a role?  You are still a mess yourself.  You are not good enough to do this.  You’re just dreaming.  You will need to go to school for 10 years before you should even consider such a thing.”

But I’m at the point now where I don’t really care about anything else.  I never really wanted children or a lot of material things.  I just want to feel like my life matters and makes a difference to someone.

At the moment I feel very bogged down by my living situation.  My husband runs his business out of our house and more business related items pile up here daily.  As a sensitive person this really bothers me.  However it doesn’t bother him at all.  He seems to thrive in chaos.

So I need to sell a lot of his stuff which he insists of course is worth good money and many items must be posted on Ebay.  Doing this takes a lot of time and I hate it.  It is very draining of the limited energy that I have.  Plus Ebay takes a lot of the cash and that is not awesome.

And I am getting off the topic here.  Focus Focus Focus.

I was going to list some goals here but I realize that I need to get very specific about everything and do that whole SMART goal setting thing.

Man I really hate goals.  I really need to figure out how to use my strengths to keep myself motivated.  I get bored doing repetitive things so quickly.

I need to do some serious analysis of what I need to do and what goals I need to set.  I really need to figure out how to motivate myself.  I need to include a lot more fun in this goal-setting equation or I am going to get burnt out.

I also need a team this time of like-minded people.  I have never been good at finding those people and that is probably a big reason why I don’t get as far as I would like to.

Motivation motivation motivation.  I will find it.

 

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Follow Your Heart: A Cautionary Tale

What is your life purpose?

From early on in my college career I wanted to study to be some type of counselor or therapist.  I knew that I was more observant than the average person and could watch people interact with one another and see exactly what was going on – the wrong buttons getting pushed – incorrect assumptions being made – resentments building – family patterns repeating themselves.  I could see it, but knew that people wouldn’t listen to me if I told them these things.  You push all kinds of the wrong buttons when you try to tell people what’s wrong with them.

Back then I told my dad that I wanted to study psychology.  He said that was a waste of time.  He said that all of those people studying psychology were just trying to figure out what was wrong with them.  He said he wouldn’t pay for my school if I decided to study that.  So after some bungling around in the science arena and realizing that I just wasn’t that passionate about the sciences, I settled on being a history major.

I liked the drama and seeing the repeating patterns.  I also liked seeing how history was evolving as humanity was evolving.  We like to look at how bad things are today  and think that nothing is ever going to change but the past was so much more brutal.  People change slowly, but they do change.

I decided that I would become a teacher.  But I eventually realized that teaching just wasn’t for me.  Dealing with the energy of so many people at once was just something that I knew would stress me out more than I could handle.  It would be emotional overwhelm to the max.  That left me pretty confused about a career path.

Perhaps I could have been a brilliant therapist.

Instead I bungled my way through some non-illustrious jobs while spending a lot of time investigating and dreaming about what I should really be doing.  I pursued some other career paths but didn’t really feel those were a fit for me either.

I’m not blaming my dad for anything.  I should have been strong enough to pursue what I really wanted to pursue.

My dad had some kind of bias against showing weakness.  Going to a psychologist would be admitting weakness perhaps.  But pretending everything is okay when you’re really cracking up inside is not exactly strength either pops.

My dad passed away in 2004.  He was not really a happy man.  I have my own opinions and intuitions about what went wrong there but I could be wrong.

And there is the dilemma of the intuitive.  Are your hunches really correct or are they just crap you make up in your frontal cortex?

The deep sadness I feel now is making me aware of how much healing I need to work on related to my dad.  Oh he saw my sensitivity as weakness.  And I couldn’t handle his negativity – so I avoided him.  He thought I hated him or something.

So here is the cautionary tale my friends.  Don’t let other people tell you what you’re supposed to do and who you’re supposed to be.  That will not lead you to happiness.

If someone important is blocking you or discouraging you from what you think you want don’t listen to them.  If they have too much control of your life – find a way around it.  Pursue what you want to pursue in a smaller way.

If you’re confused about your purpose or passion – make small moves toward it.  Whatever really resonates with you – sparks something in you – try to understand why it sparks that in you.  Investigate  – but don’t just investigate – overcome your fears and take some kind of action – however small – see where it leads.

Don’t let anyone else define you.

Posted in Blogging, Diary, Empath | 5 Comments

Emotional Rawness – Bring on the Waterworks

I feel very emotionally raw today.  This empath stuff ain’t for sissies.  I’m glad I discovered EFT because I don’t know how well I’d be doing without it.  It is just too much emotional purging for me to deal with at the moment.  I guess that’s not true because I’m dealing with it, just not very well.

But today – I’m just sad and I can’t really put my finger on why.  I guess that’s an empath thing.  We pick up on the emotions of other people.  Perhaps the collective anger/sadness/frustration of the new and unimproved Donald Trump Era is getting to me.

Perhaps it is just me seeing the dysfunctional relationship patterns that have played and are playing themselves out and realizing that I haven’t escaped these patterns.  I got married without fully dealing with my childhood baggage and – voila – I have partially recreated a family pattern that I thought I was smart enough to escape.  Foolish me – so foolish.

Life is so complicated.

Grateful for…

  1. EFT
  2. My alone time for emotional purging
  3. The catharsis that crying provides
  4. Laughter – and its cathartic properties
  5. People getting pissed off at Trump – YES – people care – that is good – now how to we transform and redirect this anger into something positive and creative?
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