So I have to admit I have a rather troubled relationship with spirituality. It is not something that anyone I know or anyone in my family has really embraced. The deepest spirituality got in my family is my mom trying to convince us to go to church. I never felt she really believed or studied the Bible as much as she just wanted to fit in and be part of a community. She grew up in a small town in the Midwest and church was pretty much all there was to do there.
I guess my real entrance into spirituality came when I was in college. It was more of an accident than any kind of intentional pursuit. I was studying various subjects. It was my history and moral philosophy classes that really got me thinking – and thinking and thinking and thinking and questioning. I didn’t realize it then but for several months I was spending most of my time in some kind of meditative and contemplative state as I went about my day. I didn’t sleep well at night and spent most of my time thinking when I was in bed too. I didn’t fit well into the college scene and didn’t have much else to do other than my classes. This thinking led to a spiritual crisis of sorts. I made a bunch of bad decisions and felt like a fool.
After a bit of drama I pretty much rejected this path and just tried to fit in and do the school thing after that. I was not very happy but I wasn’t causing anyone any problems. Lord knows I don’t want to cause anyone problems or worry them.
My intention here was not to tell my life story. But at various times I got back into spirituality and – zap – my life somehow went off the rails again. Not that my life was ever really firmly planted on the rails I guess. So I met my husband…hmmmm….I should not talk very much about my husband here. Oh husband – are you reading this? Meh. I feel like my husband is my keeper these days.
So in a nutshell, my husband thinks spirituality is a lot of stupid bunk. I think I said as much before in here. I have a Buddha on my dresser. I am not big into Buddha or anything really. It was a gift from a relative of mine. But my husband likes to put a doobie in its hand and a toilet paper roll on its head. This was the inspiration for this blog post.
So when I pursue spirituality stuff – even just meditation – I feel like sort of a fool.
Where do I go from there? Yes there is the problem with my spirituality. Yes, we have a misalignment of values.
Well, that is not the only problem with it I guess. I think there is a lot of BS in the New Age and spirituality movements and that gives me a lot of pause before I pursue or talk about these topics with anyone. Not only is there BS but it seems there are a lot of unethical people involved in scams and whatnot as well. So there is a big internal conflict too. I am not a wishy washy New Ager. I am a….well…what the hell am I? I can’t fit myself into any identifiable box anymore. I am just a misfit.
I have developed a fascination with tarot cards too. And well – that is just silliness right?
I have exposed too much now. I need to retreat. This blog post may mysteriously disappear.