So since my last post I have been feeling better. Well, except for a medium-sized breakdown in front of my husband. He doesn’t seem to understand how much the things he says and does bother me until I have an emotional breakdown in front of him. Then he starts acting a little nicer. It’s not that he’s a bad guy, he just grew up in a family in which snarkiness was the norm. At his family functions insulting banter is thrown about and I guess it’s all in good fun but to me, all the negative feedback just adds up. Even what seems like harmless joking always contains a kernel of truth about how you really feel about someone. I really don’t appreciate that stuff. Watching Family Guy is like torture to me. Seeing Seth MacFarlane’s smug face – ugh.
I guess that probably means that I’m an uptight be-yotch who just can’t take a joke. I don’t know.
I’m feeling extra sensitive now because in my soul, in my very being I seem to have absorbed a solid belief that I’m not good enough. I know much of it comes from my childhood but I also think it’s something that has plagued me in past lives as well. It is so deeply ingrained into me that the traumas of this life can’t quite explain the depths of it.
And perhaps I’m exaggerating a bit. If I truly felt that way I would’ve attracted more destructive relationships into my life I suppose. I’ve been lucky in comparison to others I think that most of the men I’ve been involved with have been pretty kind to me. I have to give myself credit that I have made a certain degree of progress in this life in regards to confidence and believing in myself. Although I still have a great deal more progress to make in this regard.
Perhaps the real problem I’m facing now is that I’ve changed since I got married. My husband perceives these changes as mental illness when really they are me becoming more of who I’m really meant to be. He likes the old me and I can’t happily go back to being that person.
Where do I go from here? It’s time to put on my big girl pants and figure it out.