Oh bloggie bloggers? How art thou?
I begin composing many blogs in my head only to abandon them. It is difficult to decide what is appropriate/useful/interesting to share with y’all. This one is iffy on the appropriate side but I will share it anyway as someone out there may find it useful or helpful.
So yesterday my husband was annoying and upsetting me to the point that I needed to retreat to my own space, which is often the case. He followed me into my retreat, which is often the case as well, and continued to try to communicate in the dysfunctional way we are often prone to. So while trying trying to respond to him I became all weepy and emotional – which makes me feel like a weakling and also makes him accuse me of being overly emotional. I am learning to cut myself some slack in that department as I now know that I am an empath (as I discovered at the metaphysical shop and discussed in this post) and that I am dealing with different energies than the average person.
So, empaths have a difficult time dealing with conflict. I’m no expert but Heidi Sawyer – an authority on this sort of thing – says that sensitives hate conflict because it is physically painful for them and will often avoid it at any cost – which sounds about right as far as I am concerned, at least as far as the avoiding part is concerned. As for the pain part – it comes out more like an emotional breakdown than actual pain. I just can’t keep it together during a conflict. It’s almost like some annoying force takes over and just breaks me down. I don’t know. It is hard to describe. My feelings/sensitivity seems to be evolving in some way, making me slightly better able to handle this stuff. I guess I would say that a certain level of detachment is emerging. These conflicts are forcing me to become stronger emotionally so I guess they are serving a purpose. Yay. Gawd. Geez. WTF.
So my weepy crybaby-ness actually helps in these situations because if Mr. Husband sees how upset I am getting, he stops being so verbally aggressive and will actually listen to what I am saying and we might actually have a constructive conversation.
Since I couldn’t really escape from this situation I did some instinctual moves to protect my energy. Ha – that sounds silly. I am not so comfortable with this metaphysical stuff yet in case you couldn’t tell.
Anyway, protecting my energy, right, I started taking deep breaths. I was already halfway to sobbing so deep breaths were pretty much required anyway. I was laying on my bed so I crossed my legs and crossed my arms over my chest and started lightly tapping my fist to my forehead. I have taken on similar stances during our previous conflicts without thinking about it, again, like it was instinctual. The husband loves this of course because it makes me appear crazy and thus confirms the assumption he likes to make that everything wrong in our marriage is due to some mental/emotional problem of mine. Yay. But nonetheless taking this stance helped me to finally get out the words that I was finding it oh so difficult to say for whatever reason.
Between sobbing, talking, breathing and tapping my forehead, I was able to tell him something about how I find it very hard to talk to him because…
- He often talks over me when I’m trying to say things he doesn’t want to hear.
- He perceives me expressing my feelings as an attack on him. I know he doesn’t do things intentionally to upset me but I get upset nonetheless. Trying to invalidate my feelings is not a constructive way to communicate. My intention is not to make him look like the bad guy but to help him understand how I feel and why I feel that way.
- He sometimes/often ridicules the outside-the-box things that I am interested in and in the process makes me feel like I am an idiot/joke and this is not very helpful when trying to build a positive relationship. If you think my interests are bullshit, just don’t talk to me about them. I know we will never share these interests and have no intention of pushing them on you.
I’m sure there are a few other points in there that I’ve missed. I did not express them very articulately at all but maybe I got my points across. Only time will tell. It seems that emotional breakdown is the most effective communication tactic in this relationship. Bleh.
What if my husband finds this post? I don’t know. I have spoken/typed my truth, so deal with it – metaphysical bullshit and all.