I’ve just been working on mundane things. My husband and I are planning to go to Las Vegas for his brother’s wedding. It’s another one of those insensitive male/sensitive passive female relationships. D’oh. Actually it does seem that his brother has evolved in a positive way since becoming involved with his future wife. Hopefully this trend will continue. I’m not especially looking forward to this trip though for many reasons.
I was thinking about Donald Trump’s relationship with Melania. I bet there’s a pattern there. Oh boy.
So what is going on in my conflicted mind?
Well there is the long simmering desire to get involved in the outside world in a positive way. But then there is the very strong desire to not get involved at all because it is just so taxing on my brain and emotions. There are so many criteria by which people judge you and I seem to be hyper aware of this. Perhaps it is just paranoia. It is so much easier to love yourself when you aren’t evaluating yourself using the messed up values of the world around you.
So I am slowly getting to the place of knowing that if I show up as my authentic self there is a large percentage of people who may have a negative reaction. I just need to be okay with that. I have never been popular. I have always been a wallflower. I never have wanted a lot of attention. I like blending in. But I need to get over it or my life will just be one big blah. I am an idealist and I need to take ownership of that in a non-self righteous, non-threatening way. I’ve got some ideas at the moment but I will save those for another post.
The other ongoing conflict is related to all things metaphysical. I feel like I need to detach from this for now. Pursuing all things metaphysical now is just going to cause me problems. I am not a shining example to the world at the moment. I am too far behind in the mundane game of life to focus on that right now. I will remain in the metaphysical closet until I get my act together in the 3D world. I will probably start meditating again though, but I’m not quite sure what else. Time will tell.
Thanks for stopping by. 🙂