I’m back from my trip to Las Vegas and the brother-in-law’s wedding at a cheesy little “chapel” just off the Vegas strip. What should I say? It was a total blast!! Not. It wasn’t horrible but, well, my social skills and status in the world are lacking at the moment and that makes everything awkward for me.
I have many thoughts to process and things I could write about, including this wedding, but I’m not sure I’m in a mindset to do the topics justice. I like to fancy myself as a writer but when it comes right down to it, my best writing is done in a stream of consciousness style. When I try to write any other way I wind up analyzing it to death and rereading it so many times that it starts to become difficult to comprehend.
What is also going on is that my 82 year old Aunt, my father’s sister, was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and has been sent home for hospice care. She is a super nice lady who I have often had a hard time believing is related to my dad. Not that my dad was so horrible, but he was well, I guess deeply unhappy for some reason that I never fully understood. I have not kept in touch with this aunt mostly because I’m not so proud of my life and don’t like to talk to people about it. I’ve thought about reconnecting with her at various times, but have never done it. Now, I don’t really know what to do. I am just the queen of creating awkward situations. My brother and sister are going to see her this weekend, and this requires a lot of traveling for both of them. If I decided to see her it would require a long car trip that I would probably have to take by myself. Do I want to connect to that situation? It’s so sad. Her son and daughter are there with her and I’m not sure what the arrangements are for the medical care. I don’t think anyone would miss me if I wasn’t, but then guilt sets in and….it never ends.
This brings up a lot of thoughts about death and dying and my own aging mother and how I’ve disconnected from people and the list goes on and on.
Anyway, that’s what’s going on at the moment. What should I do?