Hello out there!!
I decided to buy a train ticket to see my dying aunt. My mom, brother, and sister will also be there so it will be like a small family reunion. We are scattered around the country and almost never all get together in the same place.
I am having very negative thoughts about seeing them though. I really need my personal space and am already pretty burnt out from this Vegas trip. I thought the Vegas trip was going to be the end of family obligations for a while.
I’ve been trying to analyze why I feel so negatively about seeing them. Here are the reasons I came up with…
- They are not dreamers at all. They are settlers. It is better to settle for what is perhaps not so awesome but a safer bet rather than hope for something better that may never come, especially when it comes to relationships.
- They are not idealists. Is this the same as number 1? These kinds of topics never come up. I think the general idea is that there is no time to think or worry about idealism. We all should be focusing on how to deal with our mediocre existence. There is no time to think about the problems of the world or any of that nonsense.
- There is a strong guilt dynamic in my family. I hate doing things out of guilt. It’s such a gross feeling. There is so much resentment and frustration sitting below the surface for me that I feel is probably unjustified. This makes me hate myself a little more.
- Spending time with my family is very energy draining. I just want to take a nap all the time.
- I feel like the black sheep in the family.
So this is just how my family is and I need to love them anyway. Except I don’t feel that I have much love to give. I feel like…I don’t know.
I guess I’m feeling a bit less negative about it today than I was yesterday so perhaps that is progress. Whatever will be will be and I need to stop internalizing things. So what if I’m not perfect? I am what I am.
I probably do deserve the black sheep label.
Que sera sera.
Perhaps this trip will be somewhat enjoyable despite the sad circumstances that prompted it.
I need to get ready for a very long train ride.