Trip to Albuquerque and Bleh Family Dynamics

Hello out there!!

I decided to buy a train ticket to see my dying aunt.  My mom, brother, and sister will also be there so it will be like a small family reunion.  We are scattered around the country and almost never all get together in the same place.

I am having very negative thoughts about seeing them though.  I really need my personal space and am already pretty burnt out from this Vegas trip.  I thought the Vegas trip was going to be the end of family obligations for a while.

I’ve been trying to analyze why I feel so negatively about seeing them.  Here are the reasons I came up with…

  1.  They are not dreamers at all.  They are settlers.  It is better to settle for what is perhaps not so awesome but a safer bet rather than hope for something better that may never come, especially when it comes to relationships.
  2. They are not idealists.  Is this the same as number 1?  These kinds of topics never come up.  I think the general idea is that there is no time to think or worry about idealism.  We all should be focusing on how to deal with our mediocre existence.  There is no time to think about the problems of the world or any of that nonsense.
  3. There is a strong guilt dynamic in my family.  I hate doing things out of guilt.  It’s such a gross feeling.  There is so much resentment and frustration sitting below the surface for me that I feel is probably unjustified.  This makes me hate myself a little more.
  4. Spending time with my family is very energy draining.  I just want to take a nap all the time.
  5. I feel like the black sheep in the family.

So this is just how my family is and I need to love them anyway.  Except I don’t feel that I have much love to give.  I feel like…I don’t know.

I guess I’m feeling a bit less negative about it today than I was yesterday so perhaps that is progress.  Whatever will be will be and I need to stop internalizing things.  So what if I’m not perfect?  I am what I am.

I probably do deserve the black sheep label.

Que sera sera.

Perhaps this trip will be somewhat enjoyable despite the sad circumstances that prompted it.

I need to get ready for a very long train ride.

 

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This entry was posted in Diary, HSP, Idealism, Life Journey. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Trip to Albuquerque and Bleh Family Dynamics

  1. The_VacillatingPath says:

    I can relate to most of the items on your numbered list. I feel for you. ❤

    My mother doesn't guilt me per say, but she does try to emotionally manipulate me into helping her (or doing things she wants) by verbally trying to appeal to my ego which works on my Leo father (who is very much pridefully ego-driven) but all it does is piss me off because I see right through it.

    I am jealous of the long train ride. Give me a window seat and my ear buds (or ear plugs when I am tired of listening to music but still need the other sounds drown out) and I can be happy as a clam. 🙂

    I hope there are things about this trip that will be helpful for you, even if only to appease guilt if you were to not go?

    • Yes, manipulative behavior is becoming more obvious to me lately. I’m trying not to judge it. I know I sometimes engage in it myself. I also don’t want to give in to it anymore because that just escalates the cycle and validates the behavior.
      I’m glad I went on the trip. I am realizing just how much of a rut I am in and how much I am addicted to staying in my comfort zone.
      I would have felt very bad if I had not gone. There is a part of me that would like to just totally detach from my family but I know that is not the way to go.

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