I started writing a post about my Albuquerque Amtrak experience but found what I wrote sadly lacking. I’ve got a rough draft going on. I just don’t really feel like talking about it. Overall it was a good experience but not super easy to describe without sounding judgmental I guess.
I don’t feel like talking to anyone that I know or sharing much of anything at the moment. I want to find that person that I can just spill my guts to who “gets” me, but I’m such a weirdo these days that I have little hope of finding that person anytime soon or ever.
In Albuquerque we had family conversations that were often not that interesting or were about trivial things. It was sort of strange because my Aunt who is on hospice care had very little energy to spend on talking to us. When we had these trivial conversations I felt like we were wasting her time. We should be finding more meaningful things to talk about.
My Aunt is a good Christian lady and it was rare that she had a bad word to say about anybody. Her daughter is definitely the more judgmental type. I can only imagine what is being said about me when I’m not around.
But then everyone in your world is a reflection of you, right? All of my judgmentalness is presented back to me in various ways. But I like to speak the truth. So when does being non-judgmental just turn into being in denial and then morph into “Let’s just pretend that everything is okay.” I’m very sick of “Let’s just pretend that everything is okay.”
I feel like I have no voice and nobody is going to care what I REALLY think. Why should they? What have I accomplished?
I guess there has been a serious falling out between the brother and sister who are taking care of my aunt since we left. Ugh. Just what a dying mother wants to see – their children fighting. Bad times.